What is anger and why does it need to be managed?
Anger is a normal human emotion. It usually mobilizes a response to danger, but it’s also a form of self-expression and sometimes a child’s way of declaring independence. Many things can trigger a child’s anger, and sometimes the result is aggression.
Aggression first begins in the toddler years. This is when children are naturally more aggressive than any other age group. A toddler’s inability to talk may be one reason why aggression starts at this age.
As children reach kindergarten age, it is less typical for anger to explode into aggression because they’ve learned to hold back such impulsive urges. Over time, as children reach school age, parents can expect more subtle expressions of anger: pouting, sulking, and whining. Regardless of a child’s age, anger management training can help a child develop better ways to cope with angry feelings.
How can I teach my child to manage their anger?
It is possible to teach even a young child to manage and express anger by focusing on 4 key areas:
-
recognizing body clues
-
calming anger
-
understanding triggers to anger
-
expressing anger appropriately
What are body clues?
Body clues are part of your child’s “fight/flight” response when her anger is triggered. Think about times that you have felt angry yourself. Did your heartbeat increase? Did you notice tension in your muscles? Perhaps you started breathing more quickly or you felt really hot? These physiological responses are clues that you are in a situation that will require either a fight or flight response. In kid terms, these “body clues” tell your child that something has happened to make him angry and it is time to take care of his feelings so he can respond appropriately. You can teach your child about his own body clues using a blank template of a human body (or a gingerbread man). Ask your child to draw pictures or symbols to show where he feels anger in his body. An upset tummy can be represented by butterflies in the stomach. Changes in breathing might be shown with balloons drawn in the chest area. Flushing or feeling hot can be shown with flames on the face. Then when you notice your child is feeling angry, ask him to tell you or point to the area where he feels his anger in that moment. You can model this as well by saying something like, “I feel mad and I feel it in my muscles.”
How can my child calm himself?
Every child needs to learn how to calm her angry feelings. One of the best (and easiest) ways to calm feelings is by taking belly breaths. Teach your child different kinds of belly breaths she can take in a moment when she is calm. Try some of the breaths described below or make up your own. The important thing is that your child slows down her breath and focuses on the fun she is having taking calming breaths, rather than the trigger to her anger. It is important to practice, practice, practice until belly breaths become a habit, rather than a chore in an angry moment. Think about practicing belly breaths with your child each night before bed and work belly breaths into the daily routine. Perhaps start each meal with a belly breath. Take a breath each day before you leave for school and work in the morning. You can also model using belly breaths when you are mad (or pretending to be mad for the sake of a teachable moment!) Say something like, “I feel mad in my stomach so I’m going to take a pizza breath to calm myself (take a breath). I feel so calm now!”.
-
Pizza breath: Pretend you have a pizza in front of you but it is too hot to eat. Lean in and take a big in-breath to fill your belly with the pizza smell. Pause to enjoy the pizza aroma then slowly let your breath out. When the “pizza” is cool, pretend to eat it!
-
Lion’s breath: Take a slow deep breath in, pause, then ROAR it out. You can be extra ferocious by extending your arms out like lion’s claws.
-
Puppy breath: Inhale through your nose, then pant or bark the breath out. It might be fun to wag your “tail” while you do this!
-
Birthday cake breath: Take a breath in, then blow out the “candles” on the imaginary cake in front of you. Like your “pizza”, gobble it up when the candles are out!
-
Balloon breath: Breathe in deeply while you lift your arms over your head in a balloon shape. Let your arms drop to your sides as you “raspberry” the breath out.
